“Try me!”

131. When you press the “Try me!” button on a toy and you can’t get it to shut up.

I like toy stores, I find them fun.

Back in the day, glow-in-the-dark things, and “stuff that flies” were my favorite! I once found one of those toys with a pull rope thing and some type of disk over it that would fly toward the sky when you pulled on the string. And IT GLOWED IN THE DARK. I still play around with glow sticks and my glowy stars are still stuck to my ceiling. I even decorated my room with invisible glow-in-the-dark paint and it still glows 10 years later. Oh, the awesomeness..

I was at Toys-R-Us recently, and I went straight for the cheap discount toys, since those are the ones I find most familiar. After browsing around, I decided to go toward the modern stuff.

Peew! Peew! Peew! Beep beep beep beep

… that’s all I heard!

Those weird toys that activate when you step in front of them were freaking me out, man. Even the stuffed animals have some type of electronics in them. And they all say “Try me!” … and they have a button on their paws … or a string of some sort … and the “Try me!” sticker is red … and I couldn’t help it. Who can resist those things? I squeezed the bear’s paw.

So the bear started singing and all was happy with the world! A rainbow materialized from under me and it turned into a slide! And I was sliding down past mushrooms made of marshmallows and scooped up roses on my way down. Oh, wow you guys should’ve been there!

It lasted for about 1 second.

Then it got loud and I couldn’t get it to shut up. I squeezed the paw again and it started over with a different song. Then some other toy started singing. So obviously I walked away –crying. No, just kidding … not crying. Imagine? Hahaha!

I did walk away though, avoiding as much eye contact as possible while the thing kept singing.

I’m more than just awkward, amigos! For those of you on tumblr, come find me! I’m still just getting started with it.. but it’s getting a bit lonely already. Here’s the link: edwincov.tumblr.com

You’re pregnant? Congratulations…?

130. That awkward moment when a woman tells you she’s pregnant and you don’t know if you should say congratulations or not.

The younger generation might be falling apart.

Our songs mention tits and butts and jiggling and wiggling. They mention doing “it” in detail, and include rhythms that encourage movement of the crotch-eal area. There’s a billion other things that might disappoint older people, but whatever! It is our turn to cause some trouble around here.. and no, we won’t bring around mullets again.

A long time ago, whenever a woman announced a pregnancy, it was always followed by a “congratulations!” and lots of excitement. She would call everybody she knew and one could tell the excitement just by the voice. Life was good. And completely different than today.

Lisa: It was about time you picked up your phone, punk!
Ann: It’s 3am, what the *bleep* do you want *bleeep*? Just kidding *bleep* but seriously, whadup?
Lisa: I just found out I’m pregnant.
Ann: What the *bleep* *bleeeeeep* in the *bleeeeeeeeeeep*!? Are you *bleeeep* *bleepity bleep*?

Now imagine if I’m not as close to Lisa as Ann is in the previous example, and Lisa breaks the news to me as follows:

Lisa: So I found out I’m pregnant..
Edwin: Oh wow, congra– … *awkward pause*

I could try to read her facial expression, but she’s reading my reaction too. Sometimes the tone isn’t strong enough for one to be able to tell if the news are good or bad, making it extra awkward. If I don’t seem excited, and Lisa is.. then I just look like a jerk. And if I seem all happy and she’s angry/sad/concerned then I just make things worse. Just flip a coin, I guess. Oh, its tails. Here we go:

Edwin: –tulations! When did you find out?
Lisa: Congratulations? This isn’t good! My life is ruined. He’s gonna dump me and I’ll have to raise the child alone!
Edwin: Ahem. Well are you sure? I mean, are you sure you’re uhh..

And it just gets worse after that.

 

Similar Posts:

• Asking a non-pregnant woman when the baby is due
• Not knowing if a baby is a boy or a girl
• Ugly Babies

129. Sneaking into the restroom when you’re not a customer

You’re driving down the road, finishing up your Slurpee from 7-Eleven. The cherry-flavored one. It’s been very hot  lately, and you’re constantly drinking water and iced teas.. so you’re bound to have to pee a lot.

I know I do.

But when you have to pee really bad and you’re out on a road trip, or in a city a long distance away from yours, you can’t just go knock some stranger’s door and expect them to let you use their bathroom. Unless you’re in Canada (I’m guessing). What is your other option? Stop at a fast food restaurant! They’re everywhere and they have restrooms. But some places are huge lame-os and put a sign somewhere extremely visible that says:

FOR CUSTOMERS ONLY.

You might not care about the sign, and walk in like its your own house. Your Tweets might look something like this:

But if you’re not like that crazy dude, you might deal with the awkwardness differently by sneaking in through the side, pretending that you’re going to order AFTER you pee, or pretending that you came in with someone else.

Restaurants get sneaky on us, and sometimes they do a pretty good job:

• They post a huge sign in front of your face as you walk in.
• They put the meanest employee to be in charge of the key to the restroom.
  
• Once you get the key, you have to walk around with an embarrassing keychain on it, the most embarrassing one for me? A plunger. I am not making this up, it was at a gas station on my way to Arizona.
• They have to buzz you in as if you were entering some VIP area.
• They place the bathroom past the cash registers so you’re forced to walk right in front of them.
• They have coin operated doorknobs. Really?!

We should be able to pee freely without being forced to buy a drink (because then we’d have to pee again).

Other Awkward Posts:

• When someone poops next to you in a bathroom stall
• The peeing noise
• When someone leaves without washing their hands