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52. When it sounds like you farted

(. . but you didn’t).

Talk about awkward! Sometimes I stick to leather seats in cars (I’m not sure why). It doesn’t bother me very much, but whenever I try to move in my seat I hear a loud farting sound. It isn’t that bad when I’m by myself, but whenever other people are around things get a little difficult and I, just like the general public, have to make an important instant decision to the best of my ability (which may depend on several factors including, but not limited to: current mood, if I’m sleepy, hunger level, and environment). These decisions may affect the way other people look at you, and if you’re trying to make a good impression you don’t want to mess this up. This is more common than you think, your shoe may decide to make a farting sound if it rubs against something else, your chair might move and make the noise. .  It happens, folks. Here are your options:

[Insert fart sound here]

A) Pretend it never happened. If you were talking, keep doing it. If you were just sitting somewhere silently when the noise was heard, do not freeze nor make awkward eye contact with anybody, because you would be setting yourself up for failure. Just act like nothing happened, and eventually people will forget it.

B) Announce the truth. You hear people say “I have to fart.” all of the time, you are probably familiar with these people. I’ve tried this option before when I lightly kicked a bag and it made a farting sound, so I put my hands up and said “It was the bag, not me.” which made everybody suspicious. It didn’t work for me, but it might work for you. Try it and tell me how it goes.

C) Try to replicate the sound. One of the more common ones is just to try to make the sound again, to demonstrate something other than your butt made the noise. A word of caution: sometimes you cannot replicate the sound and you’ll just look weird trying to do it.

D) Blame someone else. You can’t go wrong with this! Actually you can. . .  hmm.. Nevermind.

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51. Getting asked something when your mouth is full

While sitting with a group of friends, talking to one another and enjoying each other’s company, you probably feel very comfortable. (If you have no friends, then just imagine that you do; don’t ruin it for everybody.) It’s awesome, right? One of the things that people enjoy doing to socialize is to go out to eat together. It almost never gets awkward.

But has anyone asked you something just as you took a huge bite of something?! Seriously man, what is up with that?

They just sit there watching you chew your food in a rush in order to have you answer their question that was probably something not important like “So, like, did you see what she was wearing?”

Some people have a tendency to ask questions just as your mouth gets full, and then they just watch you struggle as you’re attempting to not choke trying to speak and chew a lot faster, while keeping your train of thought and maintaining a proper breathing rhythm at the same time!

Oh what? You like to talk with your mouth full anyway? My apologies, this does not apply to you.

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50. Sneezing

Oh no.

Here it comes. . .

Hold your nose. Close your eyes. It’s coming from inside your nose somewhere up by your eyes. It feels like your nose is being tickled. Ah! You can’t hold it any longer. O.K. it’s gone. Pheew . . . Uh oh, here it comes again! Hold your nose! Close your eyes, raise your eyebrows, make a funny face —hurry!

Sneeze!!!

 

Oh well, you sneezed. So what’s the big deal? The following things can make sneezing very awkward:

Sneezing at an inappropriate time- You can’t do much about sneezing at the wrong times. Imagine someone would sneeze during a suspenseful movie right when the girl is about to encounter the murderer and the music has stopped to leave you in dead silence? And to make it even worse, some people don’t even hint at the fact that they’re about to sneeze and just comes out loud and unexpected. It freaks others out every time.

Some people don’t cover their mouth and spray everybody around them. Suddenly millions of germs are flying around the room screaming out “I’m free! I’m free!” looking for someone else to get sick. Oh and having someone’s saliva sprayed on you doesn’t feel that great.

Saliva smells sometimes, and it can be pretty distinct. It smells like. .  well, it smells like spit. If somebody sneezes while you’re in a car with the windows rolled up you might be able to smell it even if the person sneezes into a tissue. Nobody ever brings it up, and I’ve always wondered why. I mean, I’m not the only one that can smell a sneeze, right?

Boogers– They show up when you’re sick. Slimy little green friends make their presence known by surprise when you sneeze sometimes, and they’re not very shy either; sometimes they come out flying across the room and stick to a wall. Or the back of someone’s head!

Besides that, sneezing is no big deal. And even though I’ve heard stories that you can sneeze out your brain, that your heart stops when you sneeze, and even that a sneeze can kill you. . I guess I’m still not scared of it because I still sneeze. I can’t help it!

But hey, sneezing is funny sometimes, too. I’ve heard “Waaa choo!“,  “Tch . . pheew!”, “Ahh . . tsh.” and a bunch of other kinds! It’s awesome!

Can you spell out phonetically the sound you make when you sneeze?

Me? “Agh . .shoo!”

[Thanks Meghna_N]

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