Awkward Advice: List of Awkward Things to Say

Hello fellow internet searcher,

Welcome to another segment of “Awkward Advice.” This is your host, Awkwardlist aka Edwin. Which search will I choose.. hmm… “freakin’ nude scene”…. is NOT what I will pick. Here is a list of awkward things to say:

1. “How is your banana?” literally what this guy next to me asked the coffee shop guy. He responded with “you mean how much is it? or how is it?”
2. Hello sweet cheeks — Only awkward if you’re a creepy old guy and you’re talking to a woman you don’t know.
3. Dayuuum — Say it to a baby in a stroller.
4. Do you take care of your horse? –Haha! It sounds like you asked… oh never mind.
5. My butt itches –Say it loud and proud, if you’re at a party… stop the music and then announce it.
6. Call things “ebony” instead of “black” –A few people will know what you’re talking about.
7. Say bye to your friend as they’re leaving, and then walk in the same direction — Hahaha gets me every time.

Let’s make it awkward! So there you go, guy. Have fun and thanks for your question. It will be published internationally with the exceptions of North Korea, China, and a bunch of other countries where people don’t get internet.

Awkwardlist

P.S. Please enjoy this photo of when trees attack:

When trees attack

Care for some oran juice?

Oran Juice?

Sure, I love oran juice.

Are you one of those people that likes to enunciate words all properly? Instead of “gonna” you say “going to” and instead of “walk” you say “wall-k”? Okay, just kidding on that last one. But today, I had to find a place with wifi and I decided to go to a McDonald’s that has a low morning traffic in the dining room (err, breakfasting room), and when I asked for an orange juice, the lady at the counter said:

“Okay, you’d like one or-an-ge, ju-ice?”

She said: orange, juice. Orange, comma, juice. Who even says that!?

Is she one of those people that say things like “a whole, other, story” instead of a “whole nother story“? (there’s a post on that)

Yes, I will take an orange, juice, and that’s all. Thank you. Orange juice is difficult to say, just like eating bagel sandwiches. They’re tiring. When I get really old and my teeth no longer work, I’ll probably be able to eat the same foods still because I like to choose easy to chew and soft and mushy foods. Chewing a bagel is way too difficult of a job to do early in the morning. Haha #firstworldproblems #amiright?

I think this became apparent to me because I’m reading a book by Haruki Murakami called Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World, in which a librarian likes to pronounce things in dashes like.. “un-ic-orns,” or stuff like that. I don’t know exactly what that sounds like since I have a hard time pronouncing words that I have only read in the past, like the name Liesl, so I guess that’s why my thoughts went to how this lady pronounced the words “orange, juice.”

What ever guys. Obviously I have a lot of stuff going in my life.

Awkward Advice: Scared to tell my mom I clogged the toilet.

Dear internet searcher, thank you for your question.

I was going to answer the other guy who asked “how to eat a chocolate bar forever” but if I knew how, I wouldn’t tell him because of diabetes. You know how it is.

So anyway, if you are scared to tell your mom that you clogged the toilet, just.. don’t tell her. I guess it’s important to know how exactly you clogged it, because if it was an excessive use of toilet paper, that’s on you. If it was a major deuce that you dropped and it didn’t flush all the way, I’m pretty sure your mom has done so too. I understand its difficult to imagine your mom pooping and clogging the toilet, but even she takes major dumps every once in a while. So here is what you should do if you’re not going to tell her:

1) Look for the little unclogger thing around somewhere, it looks like a lollipop, but upside down, and much larger, about two feet in height.

2) This part is nasty, but stick in the toilet (not the stick part.. the sucky part), and pump that thing like you’re churning butter, lining it up with the hole where the poop disappears to. Up, down, up down. Be careful of back splash (the scientific name for it is poopius splashius) its when poop particles fly in the air along with the water.

3) Lift the unclogger thing, over the toilet, and check out the damage. Did the water level drop? If so, you’re doing the right thing. Is your deuce still there?

Dude, just tell your mom.

Sincerely,

Awkwardlist