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What is my most awkward moment?

I met a couple of people last weekend, and when we had to deal with an awkward situation, we all started sharing our most awkward stories. I heard about a houseguest accidentally unlocking all of the porn channels and failing to add a password again (hint, its usually four zeros), and then being confronted by the host family.

A guy’s father walking into a strip club while the guy was getting a lap dance and didn’t manage to get out before being forced to make conversation.

Someone showed me a GIF of a dude getting beat up by a tree, which was pretty awkward for the dude.

Image

I was a bit surprised when it was my turn to speak, when I wasn’t able to name one awkward situation. I mean, I write about this stuff, you know? I should have at least one good story to tell. And then the quiet buzzing sound turned into a rumble from the stampede of awkward situations running back into my mind from where they graze during the winter. Suddenly –I caught one. The weakest of the pack. And here it is now:

I had gone to pick up my girlfriend at the time to take her somewhere, I can’t remember where right now, but I was driving her back to the school campus. The car was climbing up a steep hill in the dark, when I reached for her hand and said:

“Thank you for coming with me, Melissa.”

My hand went a little cold, and my heart rate sped up. Suddenly the humming of the road against the tires got louder, and the reflections of the lane markers in front of me increased in brightness. I felt everything. Even the cold leather seat on my butt because the seat-warmer from the driver’s side was broken.

Melissa was not her name.

I could hear my head making noises like a Rubik’s cube trying to sort itself out. I imagined scrambled eggs in my brain, lots of bubbles floating on a bathtub, and a huge school of fish swimming around in circles making the shape of a gun aiming at me. I needed to find something to say, immediately.

Melissa was the name of my ex-girlfriend.

“So, did you have a good time?” I asked.

Kim looked out the window, with her elbow against her passenger window.

“Yeah, did you?”

“Yeah.”

She decided to pretend she didn’t hear me properly and save us the awkward moment. Or did she really not hear me? It is always ten times worse when there are only two of you pretending like everything is ok. If you have ever farted in an elevator that has only you and one other person inside of it, you will know what I mean. One person farted, the other can smell it. Both of you know who farted, but you save yourself a lot of awkwardness by not bringing it up.

Fast forward one year.

We had broken up, and in one of the last conversations to clear our consciences and seal the deal to part our separate ways, we brought up many things, and of course, I decided to bring up the whole calling-her-by-the-ex’s-name thing.

“I once called you by the wrong name –” I began.

“–You called me Melissa.” she replied.

“Yes, sorry about that.”

“That was a little weird, I didn’t know what to say,”

“Me neither, I wanted to believe you didn’t hear me, whoops.”

“I once did the same thing,” she started, “remember?”

Of course I remembered, we had been listening to an album by The All-American Rejects, the song that was playing was “Mona Lisa” and we had just eaten some hawaiian barbecue in a cold dorm room because there was something wrong with my heater. I remembered that she didn’t drink her Sierra Mist and I took it. She was talking to me about her classwork and how she felt like she needed to participate more in class, but that there was nothing she could contribute. I remembered asking her about it, and to one of those questions, she answered “I don’t know, George, it’s just that.. I mean–” and then me interrupting her to avoid having to talk about her ex-boyfriend. I remembered her confused eyes searching for some type of reassurance from mine. Then the song ended, and another came on. I began to hum it. Yeah, I remembered.

“..remember?” she asked again.

“Hmm.. you did?” I asked back.

“I thought I had, but now I’m not so sure.” she replied.

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5 Email Signatures and What They Really Mean

Even though email may seem like extremely old-fashioned nowadays, I do it often. Like actual correspondence-type emails. Yes. That happens.

Sometimes I’m responding back to customer’s questions, and other times I’m reading awkward stories that you guys share with me via email. My first experience using Outlook in a job setting was in Colorado back in 2009, where the world of Microsoft Office opened up a brand new window to office gossip and the path to the long chain of people you have to go through in order to get access to the software essential to doing the job I was hired to do. As an observant of the awkward and the unnoticed, I started taking note of the email signatures these people would use. In a land of engineers with support from HR, IT, law, accountants, and tech guys.. they were easy to differentiate.

Take a look at the types of email signatures these people would send:

Human Resources

Yours,

Marie Escalade
Human Resources
(555) 198-9213- extension 124

Information and Technology

Myriam Delao
IT
(555) 143-9123 -ext 2

Law Department

Sincerely,

Bill McCormick
Chief Coordinator of Internal Operations & Executive Trainee
Department of Law and Engineering Support
Office: (555) 876-1234
Fax: (555) 213-1231
E-mail: bill @company.com

If you believe this email was sent to you in error, please delete immediately and notify the sender.

Engineering

-mike

Accounting

Thank you,

James Blunder
Accounting
(555) 123-1245 ext- 3
—————

And then I started noticing the signatures other people send, and dude.. some of them just make me want to invent a virus that would make a hand come out of the screen and slap somebody.

Here are some slightly modified [to make my point] email signatures found around the internet.

1. The Overachiever Student Who Thinks He’s a Professional

—-
Sincerely,

Bogdan Emerson
President 2012-2013
Envirocool Organization
Hazing Chairman of Kappa Jau Fraternity, Inc.
Cell: 555-412-1234

What you’re really saying: I am the coolest guy on campus and you need to know that. The top companies don’t want me but I don’t know that yet.
2. The Funny Guy

—-
Thanks pal,

Geoffrey “Karate Kid” Nelson
Earth
Smoke ring signals: Puff, puff, hold… puff, puff, hold, cloud.
Ok but seriously, cell phone: (911) 134-9421
Gotcha.

What you’re really saying: I am hilarious, laugh at me. Alright, you can stop now. It isn’t funny anymore, stop. #AntiBullying

3. I’m Green, and You Must Know It

—-
With kind regards,

Christine Skye

Please be considerate of the environment before printing this email. 

What you’re really saying: I annoy my friends, and secretly still buy bottled water.

4. The Success


Thanks a lot, bud.
Max Le’Gitneo

Senior Planning Vice-President of DaCool Co. & Media Conglomerate, Corp.
LeGitNEO@DaCoolCo.com
Office: (555) 123-1234
Cell: (555) 123-1252
Office 234-A

Disclaimer: All information contained in this email is intended for single use only and only to the person listed on this email and is subject to inspection by our security guard, Hank, at any moment if any suspicious activities arise. You may not distribute, copy, email, forward, modify, or read this email at coffee shops or diners. All opinions expressed in this email are not representative of DaCool Co & Media Conglomerate, Corp, but any good ideas arising from such emails are copyrighted by said company and can be used for profit without providing any royalties. The sender is not responsible for any accidental damage caused by this email, including but not limited to: choking, explosions, weight gain, or deep depression. 

What you’re really saying: Bow down to me. I am the douche who emails you with this account to ask you about the status of my toilet paper on eBay.

5. The Philosopher and Prophet

—-
Spiritually with you,

John Everest

Thoughts arise in the midsts of the early dawn, upon which the sun kisses the earth and greets the children of the earth.

What you’re really saying: I like to read quotes and demonstrate my spirituality even though I got in a fight with the guy in front of me while waiting in line at McDonald’s today.

What does your email signature say?

Thanks,

Edwin

English: email envelope

English: email envelope (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Is it cold where you live?

There are funny pictures going around the internet about how people from Canada (aka, Canadians) think very little about the cold, and spend their times outdoors, shirtless, and eating ice cream while the temperature is below 32 degrees Fahrenheit. Or as they say it, “below 0”. They measure temperature in Celsius, just like the rest of the world.

But no, this post is not about making fun of Canadians, and it may actually encourage those of you from northern states and other parts of the world to make fun of us over here in California.

My blanket wakes me up every single morning. When my alarm goes off, promptly at 5:45am, I hear it and turn it off and wait for the second, third, fourth, and fifth alarms to go off before I fully wake up. But now, things are different. I take my arm out of the heat of the blanket and grab the phone only to find that it feels like an ice cube. So I bring it under the blanket with me and it fogs up. I then have to readjust the blanket and the cold forces me to run to the restroom and turn on the shower hoping that the steam will unfreeze my shampoo. 

No, I don’t live in an igloo or in the arctic. I live in northern California, where temperatures get down to around 27 degrees F in the mornings, and my landlord feels that its normal to keep the heating system at a nice 50 degrees throughout the night, and to keep the bathroom window open because of mold reasons. What the heck. It feels like I’m pooping in an ice block every morning. 

Sure, go on and make fun of me now. Tell me about your 10 degree weather, or minus 40 degree mornings as you head out to drill a hole in the lake to catch yourself some goldfish or whatever. 

Mind you, I have been used to a constant 78 degrees, with the occasional 40 degrees a couple of times every winter.. for over 20 years. Southern California, y’all. 

Now, the emergency awkward moment protocol can’t happen, because when confronted with something awkward, you can’t take out your cell phone and pretend to text because your hands will start turning red and then numb a little bit. Or you’ll be wearing gloves which would make touchscreen cell phones a bit useless. 

I did find a solution, however. Through careful observation of nature, I have learned a lot of things from the onion. 1) It makes your breath stinky, so its a good people repellant, and 2) it knows how to dress –in layers! I easily wear up to 6 layers of clothing when I leave the house and scrape the ice from my windshield, and by the time I come back home, I’m only wearing 5. Pretty awesome. Thanks nature.

How’s the weather on your end?

Edwin

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