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Ok, honestly, what if your baby looks like this?

121. When you get introduced to an ugly baby, and are forced to fake an “Oh my god, he’s so cute” face

Some people have a real fear of having an ugly baby. Of course nobody really says it, but its one of those things that people wonder.. I’m assuming. I’m not a mother, and will most likely never be but why wouldn’t you wonder things like: What if they develop artistic abilities vs. technical ones? Will they be left-handed? And if you wonder those things, what is wrong with imagining what their height or level of ugliness will be?

Real mothers out there would defend against this by saying that they would love the child no matter what he or she looks like and that’s fine and that I’m being shallow blah blah blah, I’ll read and reply to your comments anyway, but that isn’t my argument here!

Imagine the following:

Your friend greets you at her front door and says to you,

“Hey, I’m so excited you’re here! Come on, he is playing in the den right now,” with a huge smile.

“Awesome, I can’t wait to meet him,” you reply, excitedly.

“There he is!”

And you’re all like:

“Oh my–” you say, half choking on your own saliva, “he’s ad–adorable,”

Awkward, right?

Mothers get offended when you call their ugly babies ugly for some reason, I’ve seen it happen. At a Walmart (yes, it always happens at Walmart) while waiting in line to pay, a woman looked at the stroller of the lady behind her, and said:

“Oh my gosh! Look at you.. your clothes are so cute,” with her eyebrows up and in that weird voice people make when they look at babies (yes, we all know you have one too..).

“Isn’t she? Thank you,” the mother said.

“Her clothes really are!” the other lady replied.

Now I’m not sure if the other lady meant it in a mean way because quite frankly I don’t understand women and their multi-dimensional hidden messages, but I did catch a glimpse of the kid, and she looked like she had a wig on or something, nothing too weird. What happened after got awkward, FAST.

“Uh, excuse me?!” *insert a Z-snap here*

“OH, oh no. I’m sorry I didn’t mean that– No. Sorry,” the other lady said to the mother.

“Yeah, I’m sure yours were mini Angelina Jolies,” the angry mother replied.

I was behind them, and I left. Crazy stuff goes down at Walmart, yes I saw that video of someone getting run over by a shopping cart. Or was that Best Buy? Either way I was gone.

In my defense, both women were large.

I’ve been introduced to plenty of babies ugly and cute, and it usually doesn’t get too awkward because I follow a specific protocol.

1. Avoid making a face like this:

2. Do not assume a gender. Nowadays people dress boys in pink and girls in blue sometimes in order to stay away from traditional gender roles. If you see the kid playing with a Tonka truck, DO NOT FALL FOR IT. Don’t even take earrings or bows as hints. Ok, that may be a little extreme but its better to be safe than sorry.

3. Know what to say: Compliment, ask a question, and smile. Compliments can be directed toward the mother or the child, questions can be about the child’s age, where the child was born, but stay away from questions like “Who is the father?” and stuff.

Easy.

—————-

To look at pictures of ugly babies on TheChive, click here!

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When Texting Gets Awkward

Texting can get very awkward very fast. It might have something to do with how tough it is to convey tone, or maybe just because as soon as you press “Send” there is absolutely nothing that can stop the darn thing.

Check out the following:

I don’t think she heard you, bro

120. When you try to speak to someone who is wearing earphones, and you get ignored.

Except for two people (you know who you are) nobody really checks out my About page. But don’t worry; I’m not complaining about it or anything.. I’m using that as an excuse to tell you a little about my “normal” days.

I’m posting this through the handy WordPress app for iPhone while sitting on a bus. Here, I’ll take a picture:

20120501-210559.jpg

I’m not sure if it added since I just see a bunch of code over this, but let’s hope for the best.

You see, it’s difficult for me to not notice little details, and I only blame this blog for 10% of it because I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember.

1. When your car embarrasses you: Yes, I know we shouldn’t be concerned about material things in life, but sometimes it’s funny to do so. My sister and I make fun of my car because of one or two things that are wrong with it. Here are the one or two things:

1- I can’t tell what radio station it’s playing since the display is busted.
1- The trunk won’t open.
1- Sometimes the gas cap door refuses to close after fueling.
2- The windshield wipers make visibility worse and stutter on the way down.
2- It screeches when I turn on the air conditioning.
2- You hear a DING!!! when you turn it off

And it’s newest thing is squeaking when you start it. It wakes up my neighbors. And that’s how I started my day.

2. I drove over to the Metro station and had to park next to a guy who thought the lines were diagonal and forced me to take some space on the one next to mine. And now the OTHER person is probably going to go home and blog about how some guy doesn’t know how to park inside a parking space.

3. On my way to the ticket pass machine, I pulled out a bunch of change from my pocket in front of a homeless person that asked for change and I had to explain to him that I needed it to get to school and back. He didn’t understand the second time I explained so I gave up and walked away feeling super awkward.

4. I was working my way out of the train, when I was blocked by a girl with a HUGE bicycle.

Ok, maybe not that big.

So I look at her, and say:

“Excuse me, is this your exit also?”

No response.

“Umm, hello?”

She just keeps looking out the door, bobbing her head slightly.

Two other people looked over at me, and then I realized that I was trying to talk to someone that has earphones on. Awkward. Then I saw another lady try to talk to her, this one actually tapped her shoulder to get her attention once we were at the bus stop.

5. Later in the day, in class, my professor was explaining something on chapter 7 in our textbook. I did not understand one of his diagrams, so I raised my hand and after being ignored for a few minutes, I asked him what one of the values was.. and he replied:

“Oh its in your textbook”

“Oh, sorry.. my book doesn’t have it,” I said preparing myself for what was about to happen.

“What do you mean it doesn’t have it?” he asked.

“My book skips chapter 7. It goes from chapter 6 to chapter 8,” I said while slowly sinking into my chair.

The whole class laughed. Yes I know it wasn’t funny, but in this class even swatting away a mosquito brings amusement. Trust me.

“Psst.. its 80 Newtons,” I heard a girl whisper behind me.

Thank you, girl that sits behind me!

“Of course it has chapter 7,” the professor stated.

“Oh,” I said. And pretended to finally see it.

The whole class laughed again.

Now let me show you guys the Table of Contents:

Ok, you can barely see it but it goes from 6 to 8!

All of that took place in about one quarter of my day, so I’ll let you imagine the rest. Sure, the classroom experience was a bit embarrassing but eh, it was funny afterward. Way afterward. When I forgot about it actually. Now its embarrassing again.

Great.

Anyway, thanks for reading a little about my day.. Have an awkward one, everyone ๐Ÿ™‚

Edwin

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