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Being Lactose Intolerant is Awkward

145. When your stomach makes weird noises

I wonder who first looked at a cow and was all like “I wanna drink some of its milk!”

Who first looked at a snake eating an egg and was all like YOLO! And then ate one too?

funny-cowIt just doesn’t seem natural, you know? I mean, babies yeah.. ok. Babies drink milk, but do we really like milk so much that once our mothers stop producing it, we go to cows, goats and such? And don’t let me get started on cheese.

Alright so maybe I’m not a big supporter of milk because it makes my stomach go crazy. I understand it has calcium and all that stuff that we need and how it is a great way to start the day. And sure, it is also a fun word to say. Milk milk milk milk milk. Yay.

I’m not sure how this started, but I can’t handle dairy properly. And it’s embarrassing.

I have to avoid certain things in the mornings before my courses, before important meetings, before dates, before I go into the quiet library, and well anywhere that isn’t home. If I’m at home, it really is no big deal.. I’m free to fart and poop whenever.

The thing here is, lactose-intolerant people eventually either cut lactose completely from their diets, or deal with the stomach uneasiness. Eventually, those of us who deal with a grumbly stomach get to identify the different types of sounds we make:

upset_stomach

  1. The Cat: The stomach likes to purr and let out the occasional meow. It likes to creep up during those silent moments in class, or during a quiet meeting.
  2. The Inner Fart: This one sounds like a fart. Typically loud and long. It usually happens when you hold in a fart and it kinda floats right back up your butt and creates discomfort. If you’re afraid it will smell, step out of the room and let it out! Oh and then air it out before you step back in.
  3. The Pop: It just sounds like popcorn in there! Random pops here and there.
  4. The Groan: Sometimes it sounds like its saying your name. Sounds like how you respond to your alarm in the mornings. Sounds like it is legitimately upset and will moan and groan to get your attention.

These are extremely awkward. I guess they occur to many people, not just lactose-intolerant ones.. heck, sometimes it happens with coffee. Though coffee is known to give some people the runs.

I guess we can just keep dealing with it.

Have a happy Monday, all!

-Edwin

Every single time.

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