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The Importance of Wiping

136. Having to wipe off the sweat from the cell phone you just borrowed

“Hey, can I borrow your cell phone real quick? Mine died.”

Cell phones die. It took me a while to start using that phrase mostly because it sounded very.. unfitting. But yes, cell phones “die” all the time. I’ve learned a couple of things about making the battery last longer, and surprisingly, they’re not that difficult to do:

  1. Turn off your wi-fi
  2. Turn off location services
  3. Turn off the back light
  4. Turn off … well just turn off your cell phone. It’ll last longer.

If your phone doesn’t last you all day, you text too much, talk too much, surf the web too much, or are just way too popular. Typically, phones dying are not that big of a problem, unless you suffer from a phone addiction. But then when something comes up and you need to make a phone call, you’re screwed. The only number you may actually have memorized may be your mother’s and your home phone number, and maybe the number for emergency services that we know here as 9-1-1.

When you do have to borrow a cell phone however, and actually have to talk on it instead of send a text, the scenario goes like this:

You’re done with the phone call, and then casually glance at the screen. Oh there it is.. some sweaty, oily, almost-crusty stuff all over it. Was it you? Yes. Should you wipe it off?  Yes! You borrowed the thing, at least return it how you found it. We rarely notice this phenomena now, but we all glance at the phone when we’re handing it back to look at how dirty we got it. Perhaps its a little more noticeable now that phones have huge screens that are nice and glossy when the phone is off and clean. Subconsciously, we notice the nastyness before handing it back and wipe it off. Sometimes we are obvious about it, other times we are stealthy, and others we just don’t give a crap and let the owner deal with it.

I mean seriously, seriously think about it. You are constantly touching your cell phone, COME ON you check your email and send your friends a “What’s up?” while you’re sitting on the toilet! How many times do you actually clean it?

If your answer was, “Well, I clean my cell phone often,” you are lying. Let’s try again.

What? Really? Fine, whatever. I’ll start cleaning my cell phone too.

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Someone took your username. And hasn’t posted anything.

“Sorry, that username is not available.”

Have you ever tried to make an account somewhere, only to find out that the username that you want is taken by someone else? That’s enough to get anybody out there angry, but how about when you visit their profile/website and find out that they haven’t used it at all?

A friend of mine recently tried making a Tumblr account and was explaining how she was so angry that someone had her name and had not posted in forever. Levar Burton, the guy from Reading Rainbow, contacted Twitter in order to get the username “ReadingRainbow” because the owner of the username hadn’t posted in a while. They gave it to him. Are we allowed to do that? Woo hoo!

The whole internet accounts thing is getting pretty crazy, and I’ve actually surprised myself in the amount of passwords that I can remember. Some websites make you use a special character !@#$%^ or one capital letter, one number. Only numbers, only letters, or a combination of the two but no special characters, special characters only, and some that need to be exactly 6 characters long with no spaces and 2 special characters. Seriously people?

A long time ago, all I had to worry about was my email address password, and the pin to access my checking account. Now we have to remember our password to log into our computers, Facebook, Twitter, pin for your iPhone, email, Pinterest, Tumblr, WordPress, job applications, FAFSA, lock combination, school log in.

And THEN just in case we forget any of these, there are a ton of “security questions and answers” that we have to remember. A while ago, the Sprint people asked me what elementary school I went to, my bank asked for the name of my first girlfriend.. the list goes on and on:

  • Favorite person from history?
  • Where did your parents meet?
  • What is your mother’s maiden name?
  • What was the color of your first pet?
  • What was the name of your first car? (I think I got those two mixed up)
  • What is your favorite food?
  • What is your social security number?
  • Will you marry me?
  • Have you ever stolen anything?

Ok, so maybe they don’t get THAT silly, but come on. Sometimes they are pretty strange.

I say you congratulate your memory for such an awesome accomplishment. How many passwords do YOU have to remember? Has anyone ever taken your username?

The Art of the Silent Fart

Hi Guys! It is Autumn here in California, which means a couple of things: my water heater is back in business, and Instagram is currently being flooded with pictures of pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks.

I prefer teas over lattes, since dairy has an “effect” on me. As nasty as this may sound to you right now, don’t click away from this page just yet –please. This is important.

The whole world needs to be able to fart freely, because nobody wants to hold it in for so long that you explode, and we all know that you should never force such a thing. You see, by the time farts come out, most of it is composed of nitrogen. If you’re a nervous person who swallows a lot of air and digests things quickly, your farts may contain a lot of oxygen.

Why do they stink?

Small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans in the mixture (compounds that contain sulfur), makes them smell. Bacterial fermentation and digestion processes produce heat as a byproduct, which create bubbles that are small, hot, and heavily concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic products. Aka the silent-but-deadly.

If you skipped the last paragraph because I used chemistry, I’m not offended.

In order for you to fart silently, there are a few techniques out there that can help you out:

1. Let out a little gas (you may hear a pop) and then release the rest piggybacking on the opening the pop made. If you can stop the pop, you’re golden.

2. Squat. A band conductor once suggested this to us, and even though I haven’t tried it.. I still don’t endorse it. It’s risky.

3. Muffle the sound somehow.

Didn’t think you’d be getting a lesson on flatulence this morning, right? Haha! You’re welcome!

Any awkward fart stories out there?

Source: Here

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