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Posts tagged ‘urinal’

63. Noticing that you’re out of toilet paper

…When it is too late.

La la la. . . going to the bathroom can be an enjoyable thing for certain people. They’ve come up with different names for that very important task. Heck, there is even a Toilet Paper Day (August 26th)! Anyway, it isn’t only known as “pooping” anymore, it is also known as many other things now. Taking a dump, dropping a bomb, releasing the brownies, dropping the kids off at the pool, unloading the truck. Plus some other ones that include stronger language.

However, one thing can definitely ruin that experience. After you sit down, begin to check your text messages and emails on your iPhone; and start playing Angry Birds and posting on your friend’s pictures on Facebook. . your eye might catch a glimpse of something horrible: A BROWN PAPER TUBE with a lonely sheet of toilet paper hanging from it that will definitely not get the job done. HA! And you considered yourself to be a risk taker. Good luck.

That moment; that instant when you see that your mind begins to think at a speed of 100,000 frames per second (I just made that up, so please no harsh criticism). A slow motion of this would look like this:

Oh no why didn’t I check? Can I tear up the tube and use that? Maybe there are spare rolls around here somewhere. Is it possible to clean with water? What if I just wash my hands afterwards? Receipts in my pocket! No that’s a bad idea. I’ll check the cabinet. Crap I can’t get up without making a mess. Dang it what did I eat!?

So what do you do in this situation? Uhh. . . well, you could always sacrifice a sock, I guess. Hey I don’t know. I thought my job was to just explain the moment!
[Thanks diaryofaloststriver]

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54. The peeing noise

I personally believe that the word “pee” came about the sound that you make when you’re peeing.

Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee………….

O.K., so maybe it didn’t. Do you have any other ideas?

Every once in a while, I am forced to pee when there are other people around. In a public restroom, at a friend’s house, etc. But every time I do, I try very hard to avoid making the sound of liquid falling on more liquid. I just find it awkward that other people can hear the sound of my urine hitting the toilet water.

People imagine you peeing when they hear you pee.

Think about this: when you can hear something, but can’t see it, don’t you tend to visualize it? I don’t want people visualizing my urination session. Besides, some people are skilled enough to figure out how much longer you will be peeing based on the tone of the peeing noise. So what do I do to prevent it? I aim at the inner part of the toilet bowl wall above the water level (because I can —sorry ladies). It works most of the time!

Which reminds me, different genders have different views about this. All I know is that I’ve heard that sound coming from both men and women, and I was a bit surprised to find out that they’re very different:

Men: Constant stream, slower stream, drip, drip, flush.

Women: Splash, splash, stream, splash, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, *tearing of toilet paper sound*, long pause, flush.

Talk about complicated..

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45. Getting a call while sitting on the toilet

A lot of things can be considered unacceptable nowadays: Farting while on a formal dinner, stealing from an old lady, and multitasking if one of those tasks includes urinating.

One that our technological society is still refusing to accept is answering a call while you’re sitting on the toilet. Pay attention everybody, cell phones were created to tie us down and force us to be at the disposal of the others at all times. How many times has your cell phone rang while it is inconvenient to answer? What do you do? That’s easy. You silence it, or just ignore it and enjoy your ringtone. Some of us though, are a bit different; maybe the word I’m looking for is more “polite” or “nicer”.

I feel bad when I don’t answer a phone call. So many people send a text instead nowadays, that a call is like “Whoa! Someone is actually calling me!” I bet some people out there wish for a phone that would just text and not include a voice plan.

Back to our feature presentation:

Suppose you are relaxing on the toilet (.. err or um, what ever you call it), and your phone starts to ring. Oh wow, it is the call you have been waiting for! Yes! They are calling you back to offer you an interview to work at their company. Oh wait, you’re busy.

Perhaps it is a bit painful to just watch a call go to waste if you’re not actually busy, you’re just waiting to finish pooping. I don’t know how intense these sessions might get for some of you, but typically there isn’t much action; there is just a lot of waiting involved. So while you’re awkwardly sitting there just looking at your phone play your favorite John Mayer song, the person on the other line is waiting for something too: for you to answer!

This can be a bit more awkward in public restrooms, and even more so when your ringtone is just plain embarrassing and it scares the comrades on the surrounding bathroom stalls.

What ever you decide to do in such a situation, take into consideration that many people tend to imagine what the other person is doing when they call them. If I call someone and I hear a lot of wind in the background, I imagine that they are in a car. Or horseback riding. If you hear a lot of people talking [party], if the person is screaming at you [at a concert], if you hear somewhat of an echo [in the bathroom. . . or in a cave].

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