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Posts tagged ‘tips’

67. Noticing that your armpits smell

I sometimes wonder what people did back in the day when Old Spice, Axe or any other deodorants were not around. Did they.. rub flower petals on their armpits? Read more

63. Noticing that you’re out of toilet paper

…When it is too late.

La la la. . . going to the bathroom can be an enjoyable thing for certain people. They’ve come up with different names for that very important task. Heck, there is even a Toilet Paper Day (August 26th)! Anyway, it isn’t only known as “pooping” anymore, it is also known as many other things now. Taking a dump, dropping a bomb, releasing the brownies, dropping the kids off at the pool, unloading the truck. Plus some other ones that include stronger language.

However, one thing can definitely ruin that experience. After you sit down, begin to check your text messages and emails on your iPhone; and start playing Angry Birds and posting on your friend’s pictures on Facebook. . your eye might catch a glimpse of something horrible: A BROWN PAPER TUBE with a lonely sheet of toilet paper hanging from it that will definitely not get the job done. HA! And you considered yourself to be a risk taker. Good luck.

That moment; that instant when you see that your mind begins to think at a speed of 100,000 frames per second (I just made that up, so please no harsh criticism). A slow motion of this would look like this:

Oh no why didn’t I check? Can I tear up the tube and use that? Maybe there are spare rolls around here somewhere. Is it possible to clean with water? What if I just wash my hands afterwards? Receipts in my pocket! No that’s a bad idea. I’ll check the cabinet. Crap I can’t get up without making a mess. Dang it what did I eat!?

So what do you do in this situation? Uhh. . . well, you could always sacrifice a sock, I guess. Hey I don’t know. I thought my job was to just explain the moment!
[Thanks diaryofaloststriver]

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59. When automatic doors don’t open automatically

A lot of things happen at Walmart. Today, I went in there with one goal in mind: To find a lint roller. You know, one of those things that you roll around your clothes to get rid of the lint? Yeah, one of those.

Well anyway, I went up to the door that said “Exit” hoping that it would let me in even though it was meant for people to get out. And it didn’t. So I went up to the door that was labeled “Enter” and it didn’t open. So I backed up, and pretended like I was normally approaching the door once again, thinking that maybe the door sensor might be aiming a little further away. The door wouldn’t move.

So I stood there, checked the time. Yup, the store was open. I jumped up and down, and waved at the little black box on top of the door. I pushed a button that was up there, I touched the door (hey, I don’t know! I’m new to this town. It might be all hi-tech.).


I even said please and the darn thing wouldn’t even respond. I could see people inside playing around with the vending machines, minding their own business. I even saw the old lady the checks the receipts glance over and turn away again. But then, an old man approached the door. I would’ve been mad it if it opened for him and not for me but no luck. It didn’t open.

“Damn door!” he said, and hit the crack between the two sliding doors, “Technology my butt!”

. . and it opened. Awesome! He walked in, and we both went our separate ways.

And as for my lint roller, after half an hour of asking around and going from the pharmacy area, to the grocery department, to the health and beauty section, I finally found a nice lady who told me to use my tongue to get rid of the lint.

I think she was serious.


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