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Posts tagged ‘pretending’

53. Offering a handshake that goes unnoticed

First of all, I don’t understand that picture I found on the internet. Wet fish hands, like when someone’s hands are wet and stinky? Hmm.. that would make sense. Cool, I think I get it.

I’d like you to think of a time that you were introduced to someone. Usually they offer a handshake, which you take unless you’re sick or it is physically impossible to shake hands (e.g. someone has no hands, or if hands are currently busy). The universal sign of “I don’t want to shake your hand” is to lift up your hand and wave. Or to nod and smile. There are many reasons why someone may not want to shake hands:

She has sweaty hands.
He doesn’t like you.
She is a germaphobe.
She saw you pick your butt.
You recently sneezed and used your hand as a tissue.
His hands are dirty.
Her hand might be injured.
For religious reasons.
She just used hand lotion and doesn’t want the scent to go away.
They actually know where your hands have been. 

The list goes on and on but the one reason that always makes it awkward is:

Your handshake doesn’t get noticed.

Either you guys were in a hurry, or something distracted the other person. . whatever the reason is, it sucks! Especially if some third person saw you stretch out your hand to offer a handshake and got nothing. Zero. Nada. You then are forced to shake off the look that other people might give you and sadly put your hand back in your pocket and pretend it never happened. If no one sees your handshake go unnoticed, it still feels awkward, but it’s a heck of a lot better than the other scenario.

Has this ever happened to you?

[Thanks priya]

Image source

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52. When it sounds like you farted

(. . but you didn’t).

Talk about awkward! Sometimes I stick to leather seats in cars (I’m not sure why). It doesn’t bother me very much, but whenever I try to move in my seat I hear a loud farting sound. It isn’t that bad when I’m by myself, but whenever other people are around things get a little difficult and I, just like the general public, have to make an important instant decision to the best of my ability (which may depend on several factors including, but not limited to: current mood, if I’m sleepy, hunger level, and environment). These decisions may affect the way other people look at you, and if you’re trying to make a good impression you don’t want to mess this up. This is more common than you think, your shoe may decide to make a farting sound if it rubs against something else, your chair might move and make the noise. .  It happens, folks. Here are your options:

[Insert fart sound here]

A) Pretend it never happened. If you were talking, keep doing it. If you were just sitting somewhere silently when the noise was heard, do not freeze nor make awkward eye contact with anybody, because you would be setting yourself up for failure. Just act like nothing happened, and eventually people will forget it.

B) Announce the truth. You hear people say “I have to fart.” all of the time, you are probably familiar with these people. I’ve tried this option before when I lightly kicked a bag and it made a farting sound, so I put my hands up and said “It was the bag, not me.” which made everybody suspicious. It didn’t work for me, but it might work for you. Try it and tell me how it goes.

C) Try to replicate the sound. One of the more common ones is just to try to make the sound again, to demonstrate something other than your butt made the noise. A word of caution: sometimes you cannot replicate the sound and you’ll just look weird trying to do it.

D) Blame someone else. You can’t go wrong with this! Actually you can. . .  hmm.. Nevermind.

46. Not knowing if someone’s baby is a boy or a girl

Ever bumped into someone on the street that has a baby in a stroller, or in her arms?

You take a look at the baby and realize: Wow! What a cute baby! And of course, just out of curiosity, you might want to ask questions to find out the baby’s age. Not a difficult task, right? Wrong!

What if the baby is too young to be able to make the gender obvious to the observer? And you know, sometimes mothers can be extra sensitive about these things. . .

A person might end up asking “How old is it?“, or “Is it a boy or a girl?” First of all, why do people even refer to a baby as “it”? Even balloons say things like “It’s a Boy!”. It? Well anyway, figuring out the gender of the baby is very important here, and no sometimes you cannot tell by the color of the baby’s clothes. We live in a changing society, people. Pink is no longer a girl color, and blue is actually a favorite color of many girls. Besides, a lot of moms decide to make it extra difficult for the rest of us and dress their babies in orange or greens and yellows.

If you really don’t know, just ask “Is your baby a boy or a girl?” and don’t take a random guess by saying “He is so cute!” and then hear the angry parent say “She is a girl!” This is an awkward moment I would rather avoid.

Sources: Image, Idea [Thank you] 

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