Skip to content

Posts tagged ‘health’

This Food Is Made With Real Food!


1102738I find it funny how food products advertise how their stuff is made with real ingredients. If that isn’t a red flag to what we’re eating, I don’t know what is.

ea308e8c0056794c834a1e2ccff8bfe4171756e08f76d48e5ea55517140f2846

It’s like most of what we’re eating is made in a lab. Wait, I think it actually is. Ugh, this whole food thing is driving me nuts (follow my fasting adventure here). I found it really funny that I found a can of iced tea at the store that said “Made with Real Tea Leaves!” and I thought to myself how else would you make tea?

real-apples-strawberry-product

Have you ever seen those notices on food products that you buy? Check them out next time you go to the store.

Alright, everyone take out your Shake Weights™!

Google it.

You’ve heard me complain about spam here, but it has become a problem. I can’t keep my “open comment” policy, hahaha. People used to submit comments on really old posts without the moderation. You could submit awkward stories anonymously without worrying that you’ll land in a spam folder. Oh well.

The latest victim is my post on Farting in front of your partner for the first time. Check it out:

Screenshot from my desktop

Screenshot from my desktop

Noooo…

Ok, I’m over it.

So lately I’ve been going to the gym late at night, since I finally found a small 24-hour gym. No, I am not referring to 24-hour fitness. I have such a paranoia when it comes to large gyms and their contracts, that sometimes the reps cannot answer my questions. This one that I went to, I asked about their equipment maintenance, cancellation policies, their relationship with headquarters, about how they qualify their customers, and what other products they offer. Do they work on commission? How many clients do they have? Can I view a copy of the contract before coming in to sign it?

I’ve lost hundreds of dollars with big gyms before. That experience, plus my ability to make situations awkward  (it’s a gift), really gives me a boost in gym representative dissatisfaction. I don’t ask for free stuff, I don’t try to negotiate or complain. I just ask a lot of questions. How much do they get paid? No, I didn’t go there. That seems a bit rude, right?

Besides, the gym is just an awkward place anyway. From naked old people, to the meatheads at the free weights section. Putting a lot of sweaty people on machines that make you look like hamsters.. and then adding huge glass windows for people to look into in order to give that full hamster cage effect can really get to you. But man, some of us really have to work out.

Awkward. Out of breath already. From themetapicture.com

Awkward. Out of breath already. From themetapicture.com

Five Things To Do While Taking A Dump

It doesn’t matter if its a quick sit and release mission or if it involves sitting there until your legs get numb, taking a dump is time you will never get back. For some, it is the only time we will get to ourselves. Remember these words:

“The most important thoughts come to you while you’re pooping and just before you fall asleep.” -Edwin

But what DO people do while they’re on the can?

poops

 

#5: Read the shampoo labels

label

Its one big conspiracy, people. The FDA and everyone is in it. They know that awesome thoughts come to us at such times so the FDA asked companies to add difficult reading material to shampoos and toothpaste in order to keep us from gathering and starting a rebellion. Just kidding. But I honestly believe that 90% of people that read those things do so while sitting on the toilet.

#4: Spend time trying to disguise your pooping noises

Start the sink faucet just as something is about to plop. Go into some deep mediation to try to “mind-over-matter” and pray to the universe that the next round doesn’t come up as loud as the previous one. This is particularly common in public restrooms where people are clearing their throats all the time and even flushing just so that the flushing sound covers up the fart sounds.

#3: Think

thinkWhat do you think about when you’re sitting on the toilet? I replay conversations in my head, wonder about what someone else is doing and hope that we’re not doing the same thing, come up with blog post ideas, and general daydreaming. Sometimes I just sit there and think about so many things that I forget how long I’ve been in there. My legs get numb after about 12 minutes, so that’s a good indicator.

#2: Listen to music

Songza.com has a great playlist for this: Check it out! They say:

“Hey, we’re not always proud of our scatological moments, but it’s something we all gotta do. So why not have the best possible soundtrack for your time in the smallest room of the house?”

What are some of your dump songs?

#1: Check your mobile

That handy little device is always in our pocket, thank goodness. It is one big coincidence that my tweets get sent around the same time I’m on The Throne. My phone is usually on silent, so I miss many phone calls and don’t reply to text messages. But don’t worry, these get thoroughly checked and they get replies when I’m on the can.

You probably check Facebook, Twitter, email, text messages, Pinterest, StumbleUpon.. or play Temple Run or Angry Birds, heck sometimes your best scores come from the “smallest room in your home.”

What do you do?

 

%d bloggers like this: