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Posts tagged ‘fart’

Trying to fart

You  know how when you try to fart as you’re walking,  it comes out as a series of pops?

Well, most of the time, right? Lets not get too technical here.

I was walking around downtown, heading toward a burrito place I discovered thanks to some guy that was asking for signatures to legalize marijuana, when I turned the corner in a construction zone. It was one of those areas where you can hardly find anyone walking, shady (like actual shade, not “shady”. Oh, and shady too, I guess), and found an older woman doing a funky squat thing, I thought she was trying to reach for something in her back pocket, but then I heard a fart. In an attempt not to laugh, I semi-sneezed and she turned around and looked right at me. She started walking, only to release a series of pops with about one second in between and perfectly in sync with her left foot touching the ground. Fortunately for both of us, I had my earphones on with no music playing in order to avoid having to sign petitions and a good reason to talk to myself because people think I’m on my headset, so I just pretended not to hear anything.

I passed the lady in order to avoid the trail of gas, when I began to actually analyze the situation. How many people are trying to cut the cheese at this moment? Have we all mastered The Art of the Silent Fart?

Sometimes, when I hold it too long, I can actually feel it going up my guts again, and it sounds just like the real thing. It sounds like a cat purring, and other times its just like an angry dog trying to win a tug-of-war against you and you fear for a millisecond that it will actually bite you.  Which reminds me, have you ever farted around a dog and scared them? They look at you like: huh? Was that me or you?

When I see a person at a coffee shop trying to lean in one direction, while discreetly lifting up their left butt cheek from their seat, are they actually farting? And come on! How can people not be farting around, or stinking up the bathroom, we’re at a coffee shop. What else can we expect?


68. Farting in front of your partner for the first time

You know, starting a new relationship means having to learn how to fart silently once again. Read more

52. When it sounds like you farted

(. . but you didn’t).

Talk about awkward! Sometimes I stick to leather seats in cars (I’m not sure why). It doesn’t bother me very much, but whenever I try to move in my seat I hear a loud farting sound. It isn’t that bad when I’m by myself, but whenever other people are around things get a little difficult and I, just like the general public, have to make an important instant decision to the best of my ability (which may depend on several factors including, but not limited to: current mood, if I’m sleepy, hunger level, and environment). These decisions may affect the way other people look at you, and if you’re trying to make a good impression you don’t want to mess this up. This is more common than you think, your shoe may decide to make a farting sound if it rubs against something else, your chair might move and make the noise. .  It happens, folks. Here are your options:

[Insert fart sound here]

A) Pretend it never happened. If you were talking, keep doing it. If you were just sitting somewhere silently when the noise was heard, do not freeze nor make awkward eye contact with anybody, because you would be setting yourself up for failure. Just act like nothing happened, and eventually people will forget it.

B) Announce the truth. You hear people say “I have to fart.” all of the time, you are probably familiar with these people. I’ve tried this option before when I lightly kicked a bag and it made a farting sound, so I put my hands up and said “It was the bag, not me.” which made everybody suspicious. It didn’t work for me, but it might work for you. Try it and tell me how it goes.

C) Try to replicate the sound. One of the more common ones is just to try to make the sound again, to demonstrate something other than your butt made the noise. A word of caution: sometimes you cannot replicate the sound and you’ll just look weird trying to do it.

D) Blame someone else. You can’t go wrong with this! Actually you can. . .  hmm.. Nevermind.

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