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Posts tagged ‘comedy’

Send this to someone you hate

I hope you step on a lego


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158. When no more plates fit on your table at a restaurant

Have you ever considered asking the table next to yours if they’re going to use all of the space on the table? No?


When I go eat with my parents, its usually for breakfast at a Mexican diner type of thing. My mom enjoys trying different types of food, so she makes sure that we all pick a different type of food, so we can all try each other’s food. I’m used to it by now, people eating out of my plate, and my dog has tried to take advantage of that several times.
But aside from everything coming in enormous portions, they also come with side plates. A plate for your toast, for your pancakes, for your soup, and for any dipping sauces. And since its a Mexican restaurant, your salsa. Now take into consideration that your food will come in large oval plates, and that there is also a ketchup bottle, a napkin thingy, salt and pepper, sugar packets, jam little container things, creamer, and more hot sauce… these guys should really adopt those holder things that make your table a double decker type of thing, have you ever seem the pizza holders? They’re like a metal rack type of thing. So that your plates can go under the darn thing.
Anyway, so it seems like we have a bit of a space issue there.
And then there you are sitting in front of an entire table full of food and think that everyone else is staring at your table. I once had to put the toast next to me on the booth seat. The waitress laughed at me.
The takeaway: either learn to balance food on top of other food, or tell the waitress you need a table for 6 when there are only three of you.
Speaking of food, I just spent 11 bucks on a chicken sandwich from a Burger King at an airport. How have you been ripped off at airports?
I’m launching my



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When a horse gets an erection

I went as a chaperone for a first-grade field trip to a park. I know the field trip sounds pretty lame already but it was a huge park with lots of things to do. It had rides, sandboxes and even a petting zoo.


Children love animals, and they love making noises like “eww” and making gestures that explain how they are feeling at the moment like the whole “someone farted” thing where the kid clamps her nose with her hand and points at me someone.. Even though its totally natural and maybe that person had a lot of green vegetables earlier that day.

We were walking through the stables when I saw a group of kids saying eww, which apparently also attracts a large group of them. One of the kids looks up at me and asks,

“What IS that?”

“What is what?” I asked, looking around waiting to see a cow taking a massive dump or something.

Then I see it.


That, my friends is a picture of “Lil Sebastian” from the television show “Parks and Recreation”, but it clearly explains what I saw. And yes it is blurred.

Kids have no boundaries when it comes to awkwardness. I tried to change the subject to the ostrich eggs but they kept asking about it so I did what any mature individual would do in a situation like that: I started singing Old McDonald had a farm… What? It worked for a little bit.


What would YOU have done?


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