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Trying to fart

Awkward Valentine Day

You  know how when you try to fart as you’re walking,  it comes out as a series of pops?

Well, most of the time, right? Lets not get too technical here.

I was walking around downtown, heading toward a burrito place I discovered thanks to some guy that was asking for signatures to legalize marijuana, when I turned the corner in a construction zone. It was one of those areas where you can hardly find anyone walking, shady (like actual shade, not “shady”. Oh, and shady too, I guess), and found an older woman doing a funky squat thing, I thought she was trying to reach for something in her back pocket, but then I heard a fart. In an attempt not to laugh, I semi-sneezed and she turned around and looked right at me. She started walking, only to release a series of pops with about one second in between and perfectly in sync with her left foot touching the ground. Fortunately for both of us, I had my earphones on with no music playing in order to avoid having to sign petitions and a good reason to talk to myself because people think I’m on my headset, so I just pretended not to hear anything.

I passed the lady in order to avoid the trail of gas, when I began to actually analyze the situation. How many people are trying to cut the cheese at this moment? Have we all mastered The Art of the Silent Fart?

Sometimes, when I hold it too long, I can actually feel it going up my guts again, and it sounds just like the real thing. It sounds like a cat purring, and other times its just like an angry dog trying to win a tug-of-war against you and you fear for a millisecond that it will actually bite you.  Which reminds me, have you ever farted around a dog and scared them? They look at you like: huh? Was that me or you?

When I see a person at a coffee shop trying to lean in one direction, while discreetly lifting up their left butt cheek from their seat, are they actually farting? And come on! How can people not be farting around, or stinking up the bathroom, we’re at a coffee shop. What else can we expect?


  1. Girls don’t fart, we whisper to our panties.

    February 6, 2014
    • Hahaha WHAT!

      February 6, 2014
  2. Ohhh, how I’ve missed these posts. Been too busy to get on as I’m now working. I’m actually home (sick). Wanted to say “hey” and I like this post. We are totally “low brow” in our household. I’m the worst offender in our place. Per your poll, #1 at home, and #2 at home. My body changed after having kids- what can I say? Anywhere else, it’s the keep it in and then your body betrays with a loud whining noise as it moves backward up toward your stomach. There’s no hiding that. 🙂 Your boss looks at you with questioning eyes. “Excuse me?” Pertaining to the dog, they pass nasty gas, sniff loudly, get up, and look at YOU like you are the offender and walk to another part of the room. I love that one, maybe we should all do that as adults. Best offense is a good defense? You pass the gas that everyone can smell, you sniff loudly, look at someone else as if they are the offender and walk off to another part of the store.

    Let ‘r rip,
    Sandi Ormsby

    February 6, 2014
    • SANDI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How have you been? It has been so long! How are the kids and the husband and the house and the ahhsomeness?

      And regarding your comment, at least you admit that you’re the worst offender! Sometimes you just gotta let it out, you know?

      Thanks so much for the comment!


      February 8, 2014
      • Dooode. Good actually posted today. We just left your area, my 10 yr old son had a kids game show audition off Wilshire. 🙂

        February 8, 2014
  3. Why is it that any talk of farting is funny? It’s true. I bet even the Queen gives a smirk…I bet she even farts.

    February 8, 2014

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