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Being Lactose Intolerant is Awkward

145. When your stomach makes weird noises

I wonder who first looked at a cow and was all like “I wanna drink some of its milk!”

Who first looked at a snake eating an egg and was all like YOLO! And then ate one too?

funny-cowIt just doesn’t seem natural, you know? I mean, babies yeah.. ok. Babies drink milk, but do we really like milk so much that once our mothers stop producing it, we go to cows, goats and such? And don’t let me get started on cheese.

Alright so maybe I’m not a big supporter of milk because it makes my stomach go crazy. I understand it has calcium and all that stuff that we need and how it is a great way to start the day. And sure, it is also a fun word to say. Milk milk milk milk milk. Yay.

I’m not sure how this started, but I can’t handle dairy properly. And it’s embarrassing.

I have to avoid certain things in the mornings before my courses, before important meetings, before dates, before I go into the quiet library, and well anywhere that isn’t home. If I’m at home, it really is no big deal.. I’m free to fart and poop whenever.

The thing here is, lactose-intolerant people eventually either cut lactose completely from their diets, or deal with the stomach uneasiness. Eventually, those of us who deal with a grumbly stomach get to identify the different types of sounds we make:

upset_stomach

  1. The Cat: The stomach likes to purr and let out the occasional meow. It likes to creep up during those silent moments in class, or during a quiet meeting.
  2. The Inner Fart: This one sounds like a fart. Typically loud and long. It usually happens when you hold in a fart and it kinda floats right back up your butt and creates discomfort. If you’re afraid it will smell, step out of the room and let it out! Oh and then air it out before you step back in.
  3. The Pop: It just sounds like popcorn in there! Random pops here and there.
  4. The Groan: Sometimes it sounds like its saying your name. Sounds like how you respond to your alarm in the mornings. Sounds like it is legitimately upset and will moan and groan to get your attention.

These are extremely awkward. I guess they occur to many people, not just lactose-intolerant ones.. heck, sometimes it happens with coffee. Though coffee is known to give some people the runs.

I guess we can just keep dealing with it.

Have a happy Monday, all!

-Edwin

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6 Comments
  1. A lot of people don’t realize that all their discomfort comes from lactose–or maybe they are just in denial. I love the names you give for all the rummblies in the tumblies (as Pooh would say)!

    And thanks for putting my book up on your site–that’s very sweet of you! πŸ™‚

    February 25, 2013
  2. Edwin, I agree with Lorna about being in denial about this problem. It took me years to admit that I was lactose intolerant, probably because I used to love eating cheese, ice cream, milk shakes, etc. You can pop lactaid pills, but for me, they’ve never worked very well. About six or seven years ago, I cut lactose out of my diet. I urge you to do the same. I suspect that you’d feel much better. If you want a fix of cheese, I recommend you either go with the goat, sheep or yogurt varieties.

    February 25, 2013
  3. Being able to digest milk and its products was a mutation which happened in Turkey at the time people settled down to farm crops and keep herds of animals, as was the mutation for blue eyes! Not that having blue eyes means you can digest milk, my Dad has blue eyes and a lactose intolerance. Just an interesting factoid I saw on telly πŸ™‚ But it is more natural to be unable to process cows’ milk than otherwise, so it’s people like me who are odd, not people like you πŸ˜‰

    February 26, 2013
  4. phoebemunson #

    I don’t know who first saw a cow and thought ‘I want to squeeze your tits and drink what comes out’, but I can guarantee it was awkward for all involved… including the cow.

    February 27, 2013
    • HAHAHAHA!! Oh man. Too funny!!!

      Edwin

      February 27, 2013

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