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Attacked By A Cockroach

143. Being afraid of something dumb

Dim orange light was reflecting off the shards of mirror on the floor as I stood there with shiny dark knuckles, wet with red. It was all over, the faceless woman would no longer be mocking me. She was gone. I vaguely remembered the tone of her voice when she told me she would always find a way back to me. Perhaps it was too soon celebrate. Then from the corner of my eye, I see her. 

Scratch, scratch.

“You owe me.”

Scratch, scratch.

I opened my eyes to see the moonlight reflecting off the blades of my ceiling fan. The bright green numbers of my digital alarm clock read 3:37.

Scratch, scratch.

Was it the fan? I reached over to the night stand and clicked the button on the remote. The fan blades sped up. Click. The fan got quiet, and the blades came to a halt. Perhaps I was watching too many ghost hunting documentaries, and I knew that YouTube video on the Area 51 alien interview would come bite me in the butt later on.

Scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch.

It was coming from under the bed. Click. The light turned on, and the scratching became more frequent. I looked down and there she was. The biggest roach I had ever seen. My neighbor Rebecca had told me about these things, but just like her whole “alligators crossing the streets” warnings, they just seemed like stories locals would tell the new guy in Florida.

I rolled over to the other side of the bed and looked for the roach spray in the bathroom, walked to where I had seen it last and it was gone. It was on my pillow now, and it rushed over to me. I couldn’t spray my bed with chemicals. Or could I? No, bad idea. The thing looked as big as two pink erasers put together. I could see its eyes. Without losing those two black dots, I grabbed one of my bed sheets, and went straight to the living room, shutting the door behind me, turned on the television, and hoped to doze off on my own to old episodes of The Office.

No. I couldn’t let this happen. It was just a roach. Was I still dreaming? Gosh, I hoped not. I could still remember that faceless woman. So I grabbed a shoe and was determined to smash it and clean up the mess with Windex or whatever else I could find under the kitchen sink.

Quietly, I approached the door and stepped into the room. With one hand still on the doorknob, I took another step and scanned the room. No roach. I looked at the bed, and on top of the mountain of my blankets, I saw moving antennae. It was looking at me. My strategy was simple, I would knock it down to the ground with the shoe and smash it with said shoe. I walked up to it, almost wanting to let it negotiate with me before its death.

All of a sudden, the roach spread wings and flew right toward me. Instinctively, I moved over to my right and lowered my head. It buzzed right past my left ear and crashed against my dresser. I saw it struggle on the handle of a drawer and adjusted itself.

“Whoa!” I said out loud.

Then it opened its wings again and flew right toward face! I threw my arms in front of me, closed my eyes and hoped my mouth would do the same. This thing was evil. I felt the anger in it.

Tap.

I heard it bump into something else, and as soon as I opened my eyes, I saw it was adjusting its wings again. This time it was on the floor on the right side of the doorway. Was that really happening?

I closed the door and stayed in the living room that night.

The next morning, I found the roach dead. Floating in the toilet.

True story.

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18 Comments
  1. Maybe not so dumb. When I was living in the Washington DC area in a condo, I once took a drink out of my luke-warm coffee mug and felt something in my mouth. “Odd,” I thought. Not being the adventuresome type, I spit it out, rather than swallowed it. It was a freaking cockroach! I never left my coffee unattended after that, I’ll tell you! ARG!

    January 30, 2013
    • LORNA! That’s kinda nasty!

      Was it alive?

      Edwin

      January 30, 2013
      • No dead. I don’t know if that is better or worse… YUCK!

        January 30, 2013
  2. LOL Don’t Quote Lilly wrote about a similar instance. I told her that once a huge one fell on my husband at our old house. We never saw another one but it was huge ordeal. I feel for ya.

    x,
    Becca
    Ladyornot.com

    January 30, 2013
  3. I think if a cockroach attacked me I would just give up on life… I would have let it have my entire apartment and started a new career as a gypsy.

    January 30, 2013
    • Hahaha! Well I DO hear the gypsy life can be quite interesting :p

      January 30, 2013
  4. As an Englishman, I’m glad to say that you don’t tend to see cockroaches very often in my country. However, reading your story, I’m fairly confident that I can feel an imaginary one crawling up my back…

    January 30, 2013
    • That happens, right? Sort of like when someone speaks of their head itching, suddenly we get that feeling. Agh, I have to scratch.

      It just happened, didn’t it?

      Thanks for reading! It looks like your blog is really taking off!! I love it!

      Edwin

      January 30, 2013
  5. phoebemunson #

    I have never seen a cockroach, but you make it sound like a tournament. Fun to watch, glad it’s not me, thanks for the read 🙂

    January 30, 2013
    • Consider yourself lucky! I’m not even sure if those things bite or anything, but I know they look like little aliens/robots ready to eat what you leave behind.

      And you’re welcome hahaha, thanks for reading 🙂

      January 30, 2013
  6. From the size of it, and from the flying, it sounds like you met a Palmetto Bug. Those things get huge, and love to spread their wings.

    My story comes from when I was matriculating at UF – Gainesville, FL. One night I’m sitting on the floor working on a project when I see it, the roach. Just brazenly walking across my carpet towards me. It gets closer, starts to pick up speed, I, of course, stand up in horror/shock, turn around to see where it ran to, and it’s gone. Totally disappeared.

    Then I started to get that strange sensation that some hair is out of place… Reach back into my (long) hair, and pull out the roach. I never felt so dirty in my life.

    For his troubles, he received a (live) burial at sea…

    January 30, 2013
    • Wow. That is what it looked like, I just googled it.

      Maybe its something about Florida, man, the roaches feel way too comfortable with people. Sounds like it got what it deserved.

      January 30, 2013
      • I figure it’s a case of: the roaches were here first, before air conditioning, and will, by most popular estimates, still be here after we’re all dust. So you just make sure to throw out any non-stapled boxes (roaches love eating box glue) to dissuade them from taking up residence.

        January 30, 2013
  7. rusticbohochic #

    They’re adventurous creatures aren’t they? Especially when they decide to take a nice walk on your face while you’re sound asleep, only to feel a tickle along your lips. Or in this case, my lips.

    True story.

    January 30, 2013
    • No way.. its called BOUNDARIES PEOPLE!! They just don’t get it. Where the heck do they hide during the day anyway? Hahaha

      I heard people in NYC have it worse than here in LA. Poor them.

      January 30, 2013
      • rusticbohochic #

        Yes. I’ve seen New York roaches. It’s like they’re on steroids. You just kind of wave at them and move along.

        January 30, 2013
        • Greetings from NYC: waterbugs are like roaches on steroids. They’re almost the size of mice. In summer every so often, I’ll see a waterbug lying dead on the pavement baking in the sun. Good times.

          January 30, 2013
  8. I have no fear of cockroaches- I actually think they’re cute!! That’s just me though….I love bugs!!

    February 7, 2013

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