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The Art of the Silent Fart

Hi Guys! It is Autumn here in California, which means a couple of things: my water heater is back in business, and Instagram is currently being flooded with pictures of pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks.

I prefer teas over lattes, since dairy has an “effect” on me. As nasty as this may sound to you right now, don’t click away from this page just yet –please. This is important.

The whole world needs to be able to fart freely, because nobody wants to hold it in for so long that you explode, and we all know that you should neverΒ force such a thing. You see, by the time farts come out, most of it is composed ofΒ nitrogen.Β If you’re a nervous person who swallows a lot of air and digests things quickly, your farts may contain a lot of oxygen.

Why do they stink?

Small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans in the mixture (compounds that contain sulfur), makes them smell. Bacterial fermentation and digestion processes produce heat as a byproduct, which create bubbles that are small, hot, and heavily concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic products. Aka the silent-but-deadly.

If you skipped the last paragraph because I used chemistry, I’m not offended.

In order for you to fart silently, there are a few techniques out there that can help you out:

1. Let out a little gas (you may hear a pop) and then release the rest piggybacking on the opening the pop made. If you can stop the pop, you’re golden.

2. Squat. A band conductor once suggested this to us, and even though I haven’t tried it.. I still don’t endorse it. It’s risky.

3. Muffle the sound somehow.

Didn’t think you’d be getting a lesson on flatulence this morning, right? Haha! You’re welcome!

Any awkward fart stories out there?

Source: Here

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14 Comments
  1. When you hear my voice increasing, I’m in the attempt of silent fart. Just so my babble can cover up the sound if ever produced.

    This is crazy! But funny πŸ™‚

    October 12, 2012
    • That is an AWESOME idea. So simple yet so.. efficient. Thank you!

      Edwin

      October 12, 2012
  2. I accidentally farted on the first date with the guy who would later become my husband.
    He has not let me forget it in the TEN years since….lovingly of course πŸ™‚

    October 12, 2012
    • Now THAT’S a nice love story πŸ™‚

      Edwin

      October 14, 2012
      • I

        October 14, 2012
        • I thought you might think so…haha!

          October 14, 2012
  3. You are weird…funny…butt weird.

    October 12, 2012
    • πŸ™‚

      October 14, 2012
  4. Why are the silent ones more “deadly?” Is it because you’re not expecting them or because there is some chemical reaction that makes them stealthy and stinky? Just asking because you seem to know so much… πŸ˜‰

    And I have way too many stories to tell here. Suffice it to say that I’m no stranger to the fart blush!

    October 13, 2012
    • Hi Lorna! Glad you asked:

      According to my sources (lol), loud farts are mostly just oxygen, co2 and nitrogen (aka stuff from swallowed air), mixed in with some bacterial fermentation that adds some stink.

      Bacteria don’t hold back and still produce a heavily concentrated stinky gas. When this gas is by itself, without some other gas as a mixer, it might be loud enough to pop on its way out, but definitely not gonna sound like a Harley Davidson motorcycle because there’s not much of it.. so it comes out “stealthy and stinky”.

      Fun fact: these bacteria also produce HEAT as a byproduct.. haha that explains the warm ones.

      You should share some fart stories πŸ˜€

      Thanks!

      Edwin

      October 14, 2012
  5. TBM #

    Farting lessons…you’re right, i wasn’t expecting it πŸ˜‰

    October 15, 2012
  6. As natural as pooping. No problem. One thing… why do our old folks fart so much, and make a loud fart?

    October 17, 2012
  7. terrance #

    one time in orchestra class I really had to fart! I’ve mostly mastered the silent fart so i squeezed it out and sighed softly to myself thinking all my trouble was over….well….a girl next to me smelled my fart. She didnt know it was a fart thou she just kept proclaiming to the teaccher something really stank lol over and over again and really loud too so the whole class could hear. Eventually the teacher found some Febreeze and sprayed the fart awaym. No one knew it was me or even that it was a fart but it was still embaressing!

    September 20, 2013

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