The Art of the Silent Fart
Hi Guys! It is Autumn here in California, which means a couple of things: my water heater is back in business, and Instagram is currently being flooded with pictures of pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks.
I prefer teas over lattes, since dairy has an “effect” on me. As nasty as this may sound to you right now, don’t click away from this page just yet –please. This is important.
The whole world needs to be able to fart freely, because nobody wants to hold it in for so long that you explode, and we all know that you should never force such a thing. You see, by the time farts come out, most of it is composed of nitrogen. If you’re a nervous person who swallows a lot of air and digests things quickly, your farts may contain a lot of oxygen.
Small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans in the mixture (compounds that contain sulfur), makes them smell. Bacterial fermentation and digestion processes produce heat as a byproduct, which create bubbles that are small, hot, and heavily concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic products. Aka the silent-but-deadly.
If you skipped the last paragraph because I used chemistry, I’m not offended.
In order for you to fart silently, there are a few techniques out there that can help you out:
1. Let out a little gas (you may hear a pop) and then release the rest piggybacking on the opening the pop made. If you can stop the pop, you’re golden.
2. Squat. A band conductor once suggested this to us, and even though I haven’t tried it.. I still don’t endorse it. It’s risky.
3. Muffle the sound somehow.
Didn’t think you’d be getting a lesson on flatulence this morning, right? Haha! You’re welcome!
Any awkward fart stories out there?