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68. Farting in front of your partner for the first time

A fart sign

You know, starting a new relationship means having to learn how to fart silently once again. I like the part when you feel comfortable enough around each other to release gases (in moderation) around each other. Hey, it’s natural.

But how about when two people start dating and things are still a bit awkward? You can’t really fart around each other just yet, you have to wait for the signals. Today, you are in luck. I will tell you how to handle this situation:

Step 1 – Speech: When two people start dating, most of the time together is spent talking. While trying to get to know each other, a couple might talk about movies or about their family or friends a lot of the time. Once your communication reaches the point where you two can comfortably mention “diarrhea” in a conversation,  or being able to tell him or her “Hey, I have to poop so I’m going to call you back”, you are ready to advance to step 2. Otherwise, work up to this. Tell embarrassing stories about each other! Its a start.

Step 2 – Burping: If you burp and your partner doesn’t like it because it is gross and immature, forget it and skip to the last paragraph of this post, you tried, my friend. Once you’re at that point where you don’t have to say “excuse me” (but still might) after a burp, you are ready to advance to the preparation step.

Step 3 – Preparation: Now you can almost feel it! Oh, the freedom you’re about to enjoy! In order to get to the goal, however, you must prepare the scene. Tell your partner that you really have to fart and wait to see what he or she says to you. You might hear “Eww!” or “That’s not lady-like” or the almighty “You have permission to launch” (maybe something more like “Alright, go.”). Either one of the three is acceptable, remember that. So prepare the scene (adequate airflow, open windows, make sure you’re not under a blanket, etc.), and advance.

Step 4 – Release: Just fart.

Remember to be patient, it is not very smart to rush such an important step in the relationship.

If you do not want to carry along with such a procedure, or your partner won’t accept it no matter what, then just release it at a random moment and make it seem like you do that all of the time, and do not care what other people think. You don’t only do it because you have to, you actually like it! Who gave anyone the right to take away the right to fart?

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9 Comments
  1. Just brilliant. I have so much to say about farting. : )
    The first time my ex-boyfriend came over my house, he tried to light his fart on fire for me. One of the reasons I fell in love with him, really. He is very real and fun. I’m still friends with him, but never got to see an actual “blue flame” that I can recall.
    There is nothing better then getting to that point in a relationship…the point in which I can tell my husband to pull my finger and he knows what’s going to happen. Yes, I think farting is a human right which no one can take away from you…and if it bothers the other person, I would take this as a big warning sign. Everyone farts…if they don’t like that you do, there will be many more problems down the road.
    Talking about pooping is another great milestone in a relationship. Who amongst us hasn’t told our true love we’ll be back after we “drop the kids off at the pool”?
    Life is so fun.
    Great post.

    July 28, 2011
    • Hahahahaha LIGHT A FART ON FIRE??

      August 2, 2011
  2. juyjuy #

    Whoa. This post really is so funny. 😀

    July 28, 2011
    • 🙂

      August 2, 2011
  3. The first time my boyfriend (now husband) let a fart squeak out “accidentally”, I giggled. I have since come to learn that there are no “accidents”….

    July 29, 2011
    • Fart squeaks.. oh those are hilarious. A girlfriend once let out one of those and she felt so uncomfortable that she left my apartment. . I felt bad for laughing about it. lol

      August 2, 2011
  4. Lol very funny! But personally I dont find farts awkward. I find them really funny so usually I start laughing (even when its me 😛 ). But a little bit disgusting if they smell really really bad. 😛

    August 2, 2011

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