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43. When your butt itches

Lets be honest here.

Every once in a while, your butt itches. It’s perfectly normal, and there is no need to panic. It is one of those things of nature that we find ourselves asking after a long day at work, or while sitting on the toilet after getting bored from reading the same Sharpie markings on the stall walls. We ask things such as: what is beauty? Is the world really going to end in 2012? Do women fart? Why do our butts itch at the most inappropriate times?

Such an event can tell a lot about your personality, just in case you didn’t know. You know how they say that a man subconsciously looks for a female partner that is like his mother? As scary as it sounds, it might be somewhat true. We do things without even noticing it, and it is only when it is pointed out to us that we realize that it is true. I’m not quite sure why I brought that up . . . Oh yeah: The way you react to this situation tells a lot about your personality and it is because, subconsciously, you show how you are as a person.

Your butt itches.

Do you scratch it right away? You get the itch and you just go for it. Even if you have to get off your chair to do so, if you’re in line and there are people behind you, heck, even if you’re making a speech and you still scratch. Not only are you freakin’ awesome, but you are also a fun person to be around because you just don’t take what other people think about you so seriously. You are probably also very honest, even too honest sometimes. If your friend asks you “Do I look fat in these?” you will probably say the truth, and people like you for that.

Do you look around before going for it? You might want to make sure that nobody is watching of course, a normal thing to do. It is normal because you do it all the time. You wait for the right moment to do things, which says that you are strategic, and you expect the same from others. Very aware of your surroundings at all moments, you flow great with the social norm, and have few problems with other people. You tend to be reserved and keep your personal things personal. To yourself.

Do you announce it and then do it? This also happens with some people that have to fart. They ruin the surprise by saying “I have to fart!” and then let it rip. You ease people into things, and you are probably a good friend conflict mediator. You detect when people have problems and are truthful about it. No need to hide what is out there, right? You care enough about what other people think about you; no more, no less.

Do you NOT scratch your butt? You know, some people decide to hold a scratch. I don’t know how in the world that is a good idea, but people do it all the time and end up having to rub their butts against a chair or a wall in order to relieve the itch eventually. These people are typically the quiet type. Friendly, strong, and reserved. The world doesn’t need to know that your butt itches . . just ignore it and it will go away. Except, well . . . it doesn’t go away.

We know what it feels like. It is awkward to be hanging out with a group of people and then suddenly feel that mysterious thing we have come to know as an itch. What causes one of those? If I start thinking that my back is itching, it begins to itch. Is it purely mental? Either way, the only solution is to scratch so I suggest to just do it. How you do it is entirely up to you.


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  1. You’re being too kind to the non-scratchers methinks. It’s NOT NATURAL!

    June 16, 2011
  2. whosleilani #

    My husband spent the majority of his life thinking that women just didn’t fart.
    And I spent the majority of our engagement trying to maintain that lie. His bathroom didn’t have one of those nice, noisy exhaust fans so I had to really…well…work things out carefully.
    Then we got married.
    Now my husband knows that women fart.

    June 16, 2011
  3. hmunro #

    I love your personality analysis, based on scratching timing and technique. Brilliant — and hilarious, too boot. Bravo!

    June 16, 2011
  4. Your blog is too funny. So glad WP picked you. Your writing style is super. So hard to do comedy… I look forward to following you on twitter.

    June 16, 2011
  5. johnlmalone #

    I have added you to my list of favourites because I like your sense of humour; it pervades every post; you are consistent in tone which I strive to be but usually fail at. they say that is a sign of a good blog that readers know what to accept. and yes I chose this blog because I often face the same dilemma: should I itch now? are people watching; should I develop a strategy for itching inconspicuously?

    June 16, 2011
  6. I just want you to know that as I read this my butt began to itch…

    June 17, 2011
  7. Mine began to itch as well….I resisted scratching and it went away

    June 20, 2011
    • So itches DO go away on their own..

      June 21, 2011

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